Imagine a new law banning divorce? How many divorced couples do you know that would be affected by such a ban? Is it really possible to force people to stay together? Well, it just might be law in the future, in California anyways.
An article recently posted in the Los Angeles Times says that, "California Secretary of State Debra Bowen... authorized the backer of an initiative that would ban divorce to begin getting signatures to put the proposed constitutional amendment before voters."
Wow! I have believed for many years that the majority of divorced did not actually have to take place IF ONLY the couple had received appropriate help in enriching their relationship.
Most of the couples that I have worked with, over the past ten years, have been arguing about the same issues and hurts for years - but, if we as a society became more proactive and preventive, rather than interventionists who wait for problems to become extreme or extremely damaging, my belief is that at least 75% of marriages would be dramatically improved and thereby saved.
When couples who have been together for forty plus years are asked how they have managed that almost miraculous feat according to today's divorce statistics, not a single one of them, to my knowledge, has ever said that they never had an argument or fight. In fact, most admit (or try to teach!) that they not only experienced problems and disagreements, but had bad years.
So, would a ban on divorces with an added clause that says, 'WITHOUT spending a minimum of four to six months working with a relationship coach' prevent divorces? You bet! But, just putting a ban on divorces without that clarification or stipulation does not make any sense to me as the solution to the problem. Because the problem is not just that one partner no longer feels in love with the other and wants a divorce - 'why' the relationship is so unfulfilling and unhappy is what needs to be dealt with and changed to a desire by both partners to want to stay together - differently, happily, cohesively, respectfully, and maturely IF THEY HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER!
That's my opinion. Please feel free to comment on mine and/or post your own view.
Posted by Loving the Right Ways in response to the following article.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Ban divorce? Ballot effort gets OK to gather signatures
Posted using ShareThis
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sharon's Voice Blog
If You're getting Divorced... hire a family & relationship coach to help you work on your emotional divorce so that...
If You're getting Divorced... hire a family & relationship coach to help you work on your emotional divorce so that...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Harmonious Divorce.... words that many people think are impossible to go together! If you want to know how to create a life of peace after divorce....
Tune in to Claudine Struck's online radio show "Stay Sane Now" on Voice America beginning Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 1pm EST, and you can listen to the following three expert opinions.
Just go to www.voiceamerica.com and click for the Stay Sane Now show to listen as:
Belinda Rachman, Esq. will discuss what it means to have a Peaceful Divorce. Whether its how couples can save the most money when divorcing or the effects of divorce on children and how to minimize the trauma of divorce on the kids…she’s the expert.
Sharon Shenker, of Divorce Support Plus, will share her views on how important it is for each parent to do their own healing, adjustment and acceptance work for them to be able to create a harmonious rather than conflictual and angry divorce. She'll also give a checklist you can use to see if you are closer to surviving or thriving, and aides for school-aged children.
Jeanie Rule, of Solo Mama, will talk about positive communication with your ex after a divorce. Most divorced couples don't realize that they have to change the way they relate and speak to each other, especially when there are children involved. Learning new communication skills keeps fighting to a minimum, reduce the odds of ending up back in court and definitely help individuals stay sane.
You can contact Sharon Shenker for more information about the subject and coaching with her at 514-804-3585, sharonshenker@gmail.com, http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca or
Friday, April 10, 2009
Does It Take a Village to Raise a Child?
I have often used the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" when I'm trying to get people to understand that we can (and/or should) all hold ourselves responsible to help people who are clearly, and often reasonably, having difficulty raising a child - like single mothers. Having been one myself, with two children to raise and very little assistance from their father the first few years, then none, I know how difficult it can be to have nowhere to turn for nonjudgmental help.
Our "village" is what I refer to as our planet that is ever growing smaller thanks to the internet. Just last night when I was visiting with family, relatives in Israel called in using MSN and everyone was looking at them and talking to them like they were in the next room. Well, that's with the exception of my sister-in-law to whom we kept having to say, "you don't have to yell for them to hear you." After the call, conversation went to the internet and how it's making the world seem so small. My brother told us a story about some people who had to make plans with others from all over the world, and after just a few short minutes they had all spoken and settled their plans for something that once upon a time would have taken so long. Nowadays, we are all connected, like next door neighbours, even though we are from all over the world.
So, I've made my point about our "village" being small. Now let me share something with you that I saw in an online magazine that I liked right away. Here's what Jill Crossland wrote in her TimeFinders Magazine about the same phrase that I use.
She wrote: "They say "It takes a village to raise a child". I would look at that statement from a different perspective. It is when the women of the village are strong and self-sustaining, that the children can become productive adults. It is through the women that the children get the necessary education, health programs and nurturing. The village itself is also no longer at risk of disintegrating.
Mohammed Yunus, founder of Grameen Bank, when explaining why 94 percent of Grameen Bank's micro-financing loans go to women, said, "Women have plans for themselves, for their children, about their home, the meals. They have a vision. A man wants to enjoy himself." Availability of finance to women ensures that resources and profits generated are ploughed back into the development of the immediate household and family. Protection of family values, of health and safety of household members, of a more even distribution of income, can be seen as a result.
Other micro-financing organizations such as the Women's World Bank operate from that same premise. This month as we celebrate International Women's Day, reach out to one woman; whether in a shelter in Toronto or a one room home in Bangladesh. With your support she can raise her family and community to unprecedented levels."
I love the sentiment of reaching out and helping others! Wouldn't it be great if every one, man or woman, decided to do something today to help someone else, even a total stranger, anyone... just lend a hand!
Please do something, and if you still feel charitable when you're done, go to my home page and download the "My Family Has Two Houses" workbook for school-aged children and print out a copy for a single parent to do with his or her child.
Let's start connecting and working together like a village does, not just on facebook where so many people seem to be on a crusade to have the highest number of friends, but in real life... Please reach out and help take care of this community... so that it, and all of us, can thrive!
And come back to post a comment here to share what you chose to do!!!
Our "village" is what I refer to as our planet that is ever growing smaller thanks to the internet. Just last night when I was visiting with family, relatives in Israel called in using MSN and everyone was looking at them and talking to them like they were in the next room. Well, that's with the exception of my sister-in-law to whom we kept having to say, "you don't have to yell for them to hear you." After the call, conversation went to the internet and how it's making the world seem so small. My brother told us a story about some people who had to make plans with others from all over the world, and after just a few short minutes they had all spoken and settled their plans for something that once upon a time would have taken so long. Nowadays, we are all connected, like next door neighbours, even though we are from all over the world.
So, I've made my point about our "village" being small. Now let me share something with you that I saw in an online magazine that I liked right away. Here's what Jill Crossland wrote in her TimeFinders Magazine about the same phrase that I use.
She wrote: "They say "It takes a village to raise a child". I would look at that statement from a different perspective. It is when the women of the village are strong and self-sustaining, that the children can become productive adults. It is through the women that the children get the necessary education, health programs and nurturing. The village itself is also no longer at risk of disintegrating.
Mohammed Yunus, founder of Grameen Bank, when explaining why 94 percent of Grameen Bank's micro-financing loans go to women, said, "Women have plans for themselves, for their children, about their home, the meals. They have a vision. A man wants to enjoy himself." Availability of finance to women ensures that resources and profits generated are ploughed back into the development of the immediate household and family. Protection of family values, of health and safety of household members, of a more even distribution of income, can be seen as a result.
Other micro-financing organizations such as the Women's World Bank operate from that same premise. This month as we celebrate International Women's Day, reach out to one woman; whether in a shelter in Toronto or a one room home in Bangladesh. With your support she can raise her family and community to unprecedented levels."
I love the sentiment of reaching out and helping others! Wouldn't it be great if every one, man or woman, decided to do something today to help someone else, even a total stranger, anyone... just lend a hand!
Please do something, and if you still feel charitable when you're done, go to my home page and download the "My Family Has Two Houses" workbook for school-aged children and print out a copy for a single parent to do with his or her child.
Let's start connecting and working together like a village does, not just on facebook where so many people seem to be on a crusade to have the highest number of friends, but in real life... Please reach out and help take care of this community... so that it, and all of us, can thrive!
And come back to post a comment here to share what you chose to do!!!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Children of Divorce, Are Not, NOT Okay
As if the unreasonably high legal costs associated with divorce nowadays wasn't enough, the emotional toll is often so difficult to deal with that adults seek professional help to get them through the life change.... but, I have to ask: who's helping the children?
As if the unreasonably high legal costs associated with divorce nowadays wasn't enough, the emotional toll is often so difficult to deal with that adults seek professional help to get them through the life change.... but, I have to ask: who's helping the children?
Most of us have seen Gary Neuman on the Oprah show and heard about his wonderful Sandcastle's program. Many people also know of Rosalind Sedacca's great create-a-storybook that helps parents tell their kids about divorce and now, after twenty years of working in the trenches with children and families, another book for children of divorce is available. It's called, My Family Has Two Houses.
Actually, it's a workbook, with 50 plus pages of exercises for school-aged children to work on - by themselves or with an adult. The goal of this workbook depends on the situation of the child. It can be used to assist communication between the child and an adult (parent/counselor/group facilitator) so that they receive at least some of the necessary healing, coping and comprehension needed to be well-adjusted, despite their parents splitting up. The sad truth is that too many children are being left to figure things out for themselves, with their limited perception and awareness.
One of the reasons for the creation of this book is the law that stipulates both parents must agree to a child receiving mental health services... but anyone can buy a book to give a child! No more children needing help and one of the parents having to just sit and wait until a crisis occurs!
And, if discussion of what the child fills in on the pages show that s/he is indeed in need of professional help, the contents of the book can easily be shared with one's lawyer, school counselor or social worker, in an attempt to provide the hurting child with expertise on a proactive basis right away - prevention now, rather than serious intervention later!
As the saying goes, "It takes a village to raise a child," so I ask you to please help me to help the children by going to the Divorce Support Plus website at http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca and simply download to your computer a pdf format copy of this workbook and print the grayscale version out for every child of divorce in your part of this big village we live in.
Thanks for helping today's children... because we need them to be the well-adjust tomorrow's adults that will care about us!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Loving me the right way means....
As a Family & Relationship Coach for almost ten years now... and as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, friend, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, and who knows what else... I know that "loving" someone has many meanings and variations. Like, thank goodness, we love our brothers differently than we love a boyfriend or husband because, otherwise, that would be referred to as incest!
But, it's interesting, don't you think... how falling in love with someone is so easy, yet keeping the love going strong on a daily basis in a long-term relationship, whether that means your marriage, parent-child, or even your sister-sister relationship, is not so easy!
Families and friendships vary a great deal, but I usually see that people have an almost instinctual acceptance of differences when it comes to their friends, work a little harder at understanding and accepting their siblings (at least when they grow up!), but in a relationship the rules of acceptance seem to fly out the window. So many people act as if their partner is supposed to be their double - or else! Or else what? It's proof that they don't really love you if they have a different hobby, or worse, don't have any interest at all in yours!
Loving relationships are so much more complex than work-related ones. Yet, even work relationships can have so much strife, rivalry and anger. Imagine having to work every day with someone you just can't get... they rub you wrong... but there they are every day. In your face, almost like a lover who you no longer feel such great love for!
So how do we get to the point of acceptance with these people?
Well, it requires great effort, and self-awareness more than judgment or other-awareness! Whatever your relationships are at this time in your life, I'm willing to bet that a little help with some personality-based living hints would come in handy.
Personality-based living?
Yes. Imagine filling out a multiple choice form and receiving a hand-out that helps you to finally 'get' why you both think and behave the way you do... and why it annoys you!
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, or MBTI, does just that. It not only identifies common areas of difference that can cause mis-communications and conflict, it provides a non-judgmental, neutral language for discussing misunderstandings and irritations, so that we can begin creating a gentler flow in the relationship as well as a new language for discussing these differences.
More harmony and a better understanding of each other is what we all want in our relationships, isn't it? So, what are you waiting for? Have you filled out the MBTI questionnaire to get the inside scoop on yourself and your relationships?
Couples, individuals, families, work teams, ...anyone can make constructive use of their differences with the help of an MBTI analysis.
Let me know if you're interested. And, if you had it done, let me know what you thought of it - did it help your relationships? If you're interested in looking it up online before calling for your own private analysis and want to know a little about me at the same time, look up my score - ENFJ. Of course, your own analysis will give more detailed information than what you'll see online but it's a good way to start.
But, it's interesting, don't you think... how falling in love with someone is so easy, yet keeping the love going strong on a daily basis in a long-term relationship, whether that means your marriage, parent-child, or even your sister-sister relationship, is not so easy!
Families and friendships vary a great deal, but I usually see that people have an almost instinctual acceptance of differences when it comes to their friends, work a little harder at understanding and accepting their siblings (at least when they grow up!), but in a relationship the rules of acceptance seem to fly out the window. So many people act as if their partner is supposed to be their double - or else! Or else what? It's proof that they don't really love you if they have a different hobby, or worse, don't have any interest at all in yours!
Loving relationships are so much more complex than work-related ones. Yet, even work relationships can have so much strife, rivalry and anger. Imagine having to work every day with someone you just can't get... they rub you wrong... but there they are every day. In your face, almost like a lover who you no longer feel such great love for!
So how do we get to the point of acceptance with these people?
Well, it requires great effort, and self-awareness more than judgment or other-awareness! Whatever your relationships are at this time in your life, I'm willing to bet that a little help with some personality-based living hints would come in handy.
Personality-based living?
Yes. Imagine filling out a multiple choice form and receiving a hand-out that helps you to finally 'get' why you both think and behave the way you do... and why it annoys you!
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, or MBTI, does just that. It not only identifies common areas of difference that can cause mis-communications and conflict, it provides a non-judgmental, neutral language for discussing misunderstandings and irritations, so that we can begin creating a gentler flow in the relationship as well as a new language for discussing these differences.
More harmony and a better understanding of each other is what we all want in our relationships, isn't it? So, what are you waiting for? Have you filled out the MBTI questionnaire to get the inside scoop on yourself and your relationships?
Couples, individuals, families, work teams, ...anyone can make constructive use of their differences with the help of an MBTI analysis.
Let me know if you're interested. And, if you had it done, let me know what you thought of it - did it help your relationships? If you're interested in looking it up online before calling for your own private analysis and want to know a little about me at the same time, look up my score - ENFJ. Of course, your own analysis will give more detailed information than what you'll see online but it's a good way to start.
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